After today's earlier post, I'm feeling renewed, refreshed, and ready to go another round with insurance companies and receptionists. Ready to be my own mental coxswain. Ready to get on the phone and start pushing buttons again.
I thought, "what better way to psych oneself up than to make a list of reasons"? Isn't that what everyone does? Ok, sure, I could listen to the Rocky theme over and over, or praise myself with positive self-help talk in the shower ("You are a winner"), or do 50 jumping jacks, but I like making lists. It means I get to write, and writing is good.
I want this surgery (no matter how petrified I am) because:
- They say eyes are the "windows to the soul" and I don't want anyone thinking my soul is warped.
- Eyes are the first point of contact when meeting someone new...unless of course, you're a woman, he's a guy, and he's staring at your chest instead...and we all know what a stupid no-no that is.
- My character and intelligence should get a fair chance to speak for themselves. They've got a lot to say!
- I want to lose myself in a beloved's eyes.
- When I get tired, I don't want to feel the pain caused by the muscles of my "lazy eye" straining.
- Physicality is important in circles of influence and importance, even if nobody dares say that out loud.
- I'm tired of "overcoming" it in new situations, having to prove myself a little more than the next Joe. So much energy having to be wasted that I feel is being channeled away from more important and noble things.
- Yes, I'm going to say it, I want to feel pretty. Not gorgeous, not perfect, just bloody symmetrical.
- The elephant in the room really misses his family and wants to go home.
- I want to hold a gaze and not wonder...
- I want to put to rest that quiet, subconscious, yet persistent voice of self-doubt that has accompanied this condition for so many years. Stupid sub-conscious voices!
- People should feel at ease around me. More is accomplished when people are at ease with one another.
- I want to stare the whole world straight in the eye.
- I want to beam love-rays outa my straight eyes.
- I want to have staring contests with strangers in bookstores...and win.
- I've still got peripheral vision and I want to maximize it.
- I deserve it.
- You deserve it.
- The medical technology exists.
- Surgeons need practice.
- Cruel people shouldn't have automatic ammunition.
- It's a terribly awkward moment for all involved when I call on someone and they don't know I'm looking at them. And why should I have to memorize names to compensate?
- I've lived with it long enough.
- It can close doors of opportunity.
- The tendrils of childhood anguish still have hold of my soft innards.
- I deserve it.
Where I listed things relating to judgements, or closed opportunities, I am referring to my experience and the confirmations of science (follow the links on the right). Where I list things referring to human relations, I am referring to the poetry of symmetry, and the harmony of beauty.
Surgery or not, successful surgery or not, I will always be me. And I'll still kick your arse in a staring contest any day of the week!
9 comments:
I hope all goes well for you! I found your site as I begin my own journey down the same path. I've been blind from birth in my left eye, and it is crossed inward. Sometimes its not too bad, but when I'm tired it gets worse.
I can totally relate to the eye-strain when you are tired, the stiff neck from compensatory head tilting, needing to memorize names because people can't tell if you are looking at them, and the whole mention/don't mention paradigm. It's great to hear that there are others who have had the same experiences.
I had an eye appt today and got a referral to an eye muscle surgeon. Its the first time I've known it was an option. Its only cosmetic, so insurance won't pay, so I'll have to wait until next year so I can plan for the Healthcare Reimbursement Account contributions so I at least can pay for the surgery tax-free.
All the best!!
Wow, we have almost identical conditions, only I lost my vision as a toddler.
I'm so glad you found the site. Feel free to contribute as much as you would like or to contact me through here with questions or feedback.
Good luck with your venture!
Your reasons for having eye surgery are insightful. I'd like to have it done one day, but for the main reason to be able to see without the burden of corrective lenses. I'm a high myope. I do hope it goes well for you. I look forward to hearing how it goes!
i haven't been able to read for the past month or so- life intervened. however, i wanted to say i'm glad to see you made this list- it's a lot of what i've thought about but never committed to pen/paper. you've inspired me to make my own 'why to do it' list! i'm uninsured, so my journey's a bit more chaotic as i can't just go to every dr. under the sun who wants a 'consult' b/c each visit is more than a 'copay' to me. for now, i'm researching my options and asking questions w/drs who will answer some by email w/o charging me up the wazoo for an exam.
Hi anonymous,
I'm happy to hear that I inspired you to make your own list. It will keep you going in the process!
Wow, I completely know how you feel. I'm 22 and about to enter the "real world" and I can really relate to you in wanting to look into someones eyes during a conversation and not "have to wonder..." I'm only half way through your blog and I just came across it while looking at options for treating my lazy eye. So thank you ahead of time. I can't wait to get to the rest of your story!
Hi Kelsey,
Thanks for visiting. Are you considering surgery? I visited your blog and it seems like you are living a full life! As it should be, and I've certainly never let my eye condition stop me either. But professionally, and otherwise, why not?
I don't know if you still update this, but I just found it.
As someone who suffers from a few issues with my left eye (strabismus, morning glory syndrome, duane syndrom), Youre list is really touching and reflects my inner thought.
Another point to the list:
I want to be able to enjoy myself in a party without a care in the world, only for someone to make a comment about my eye, or me seeing it in the mirror, and it utterly distroying my confidence and mood.
Your blog was very educational. I just found it on the web today. I have almost the same situation except mine is the right eye. I have had it since birth and now I am 32 years old. Its time for a change! Growing up was very hard. Having to deal with follow peers making fun of me and people not knowing if I am looking at them. As, you get older, those younger peers at one time turns into older peers and the jokes and comments still happen. Even though we know that we a pretty no matter what, this is one flaw that we DONT have to live with forever. I had my 1st consultation today! I am excited and ready! Look out world cuz I'm coming towards you and looking straight ahead!
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