Still

Currently still playing phone tag with doctors. I will write more this weekend, and hopefully will have something of interest to report.

Absolutely Argh!

And the predicted insurance problem begins to rear its ugly head.

My appointment, yeah the one in June, was cancelled, because of a back and forth misunderstanding between my GP's office and the surgeon's office. Boston Children's Hospital needs a referral to book the appointment, but my GP office says they've never had to do a referral for my insurance.

So I called BCH, spoke to the referral department. Yes, they need a referral number to book the appointment.

"Can't I just make the appointment and pay for it if insurance won't cover it?", I asked.

"No, that would be illegal for us to bill you without the referral."

Ok. I called my GP's office and they continued to act confused and fussed over the matter. They didn't even know how to make the referral. I gave them the 800 number for pre-authorization from my insurance card and was told they would work on it in the morning.

Update forthcoming.

Deflated

I walked into my GP's office at 1:45 today, already on the defense. This would be my first time meeting the doctor, and with my lousy insurance, I was pretty sure I was going to have to fight for my referral to Boston Children's Hospital. I tried to follow a friend's advice to just relax, have faith, and trust. Sure, no problem...just as soon as I had that referral in my fist.

The doctor, a fellow Smith grad, whipped through the physical exam, asked about the referral I was requesting, and not a single eyelash batted in my direction as she wrote furiously on her notes.

"No problem, just give us a call when you have the appointment and we'll put the referral through".

Huh. Not a bad start. I was thrilled! I drove straight home to make my appointment. Of course I didn't expect smooth sailing all the way, but I was pretty high when I called BCH to schedule my appointment with one of their surgeons.

"We can get you in on June 18", the receptionist chirped over the phone.

June? JUNE? How could this woman dare to be so stinking cheery about the news that I would have to sit tight for three months? For just the bloody consultation? Gah. I felt deflated. Three months! Three months before I even get to sit with a surgeon and discuss my options, find out if I'm a candidate, discover if insurance will pay or partially pay, or even make an appointment for surgery.

Now what? I mean, I've waited my entire adult life, so really, what's three months? Three months is a hell of a long time, that's what. When you have been waiting your entire adult life and you decide to finally go for something, three months might as well be three years. I want to be scheduling surgery already. I want to be in recovery yesterday. I want this to be over with, and the last thing I want is to have more time to think.

What Day Is It?

There isn't much to report, but I wanted to let everyone know that progress is still under way. I recently had a regular eye check up and the good news is that I still retain some peripheral vision and my pupil still responds to light.

I also have an appointment with my GP on Monday to try to get the referral to Boston Children's Hospital. This, and the fight to get insurance to pay, will be the two biggest obstacles so squeeze your eyes shut and think really good thoughts!

I'll post an update after my appointment on Monday!

More Eye Surgery in the Blogosphere

In my daily quest for information, and other souls going through eye surgery or cotemplating it, I found two other bloggers. Though not the same type of surgery, I thought they still might be of general interest to visitors to meet these two other blogs.

My Visian Experience
and
Ami Chopine (her blog is not devoted to just eye surgery, but she is a clever enough writer to be worth visiting for visiting's sake.)

It's Monday

Hi all, and thanks for visiting. I've had a lot of visitors from all over the world! I would like to encourage people who are visiting to comment, ask a question, make a suggestion for content, etc. Part of the goal here is to open more dialogue. Although not a forum, I will reply to comments, and if you have a suggestion for content I will do my best to follow through.

Update - I have a call in to one surgeon and my GP. I will be trying to get a referral to Boston Children's Hospital. They have a superb staff, and a team of specialists for adult strabismus treatment. My insurance isn't the best, so I might have to push for this. Wish me luck!

Day Four ~ Contacting Surgeon and New Study

I cancelled my afternoon appointments today due to a snow storm, and thought it would be a good time to call the eye surgeon I was referred to. Trouble is, apparently the office closed early due to the snow storm too! Now I will have to wait until Monday.

In other news, found this new study. According to my calculations, this means only about a 64% success rate! That's just over half! This doesn't bode well.

Evening Three ~ What Have I Done?

Spoke to an old friend briefly by email. He asked, "are you really going to do it?". He meant the surgery.

Well, of course I am! I wouldn't have sent out that bulk email. Wouldn't have responded to emails from others who've had surgery, chickened out of surgery, or are still trying to visit the Wizard for a bag of courage. I wouldn't have opened myself up publicly, thrown up a picture of myself right there on the internet and invited perfect strangers into my life. Right?

Right?

Oi. Truth is, I am still really really frightened. I know myself, I know how I have to do things. I won't do anything that isn't a sure thing if I allow myself to think it through. True, I've been thinking about this for years...and consequently have always talked myself out of it, procrastinated, and reasoned it away. Precisely why I've gone "public". That's how I've done all the best things in my life, to just surge forward, all weak spots fully exposed, arms flailing to distract the natives. Usually I land on the other side safely, albeit sometimes bruised and exhausted, but in one piece and all the richer for it.

So, am I going to really go through with surgery? Well I can't back out now, can I?

Evening Two ~ Discovery

Found this heart wrenching post. Though it is not reflective of my own experience (this man still has vision in both eyes and thus experiences double-vision and other visual problems), there were some resonating points for me. Particularly, "Who will love the boy and the man with the turned eye that I have to carry around inside of me? And by surgically altering my appearance will I actually be rejecting him?"

"...will I actually be rejecting him?" That is powerful and well-put. I share this thought, this struggle. Am I simply caving to vanity and rejecting what fate or God or karma handed me? Was there a lesson I missed and now will swipe under the rug with a couple of snips and sutures?

It remains an often unspoken but simple truth of human nature. We are our physical selves. Not entirely of course. I don't pretend to think it is as simple as that. Yet I dare you to deny its power. I mean in the sense that we are judged, categorized, trapped by, and become internally shaped by our shell. I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked about my eye within the first hour of meeting someone, or how often I've been told later that someone had joked about it, commented on it, found me unattractive (or conversely, attractive because of the in-turn), overlooked my capabilities, or made assumptions about my intelligence upon meeting me.

I forget about it. I honestly do. I don't really even see it when I look in the mirror. So it is always a freshly shocking, and sickening moment when I realize how prevalent it is in the minds of others and how it shapes their first and sometimes lasting impressions of me.

I've never consiously let it get in the way of anything I've wanted. I am lucky to be me, to have defied what has been utterly devastating to others, and to have an "I'll be damned if that's going to get in my way" attitude about getting what I want. On the other hand, having to always break down barriers and prove that I am much more than my physicality can make a person harder than necessary. Two summers ago, I was instructed to allow myself to be vulnerable and to let go of leading with an edge.

Funny. Up to that moment, I thought I was pretty damned vulnerable. But he was right.

Evening Two

Email and phone have quieted down considerably, so tonight I sit here processing. Many wonderful emails, some just quietly or tenderly supportive, some big "hoorahs", and still others from friends who have shared their own stories of having to sum up the courage to make big changes. Thank you.

This one from a friend and spiritual teacher:

In my heart I sense that your surgery will go quite well and my quiet good wishes go with you.

This human elegance
Like wind
Captured perfectly in stone,
May such lightness be yours
May such confidence blaze.

I spent some time on the internet trying to find other blogs and resources. It's amazing how few there are, though I did find one post from a guy in Washington who was dismayed to find out he couldn't become a surgeon, or a subway operator, or any other of several things that his lack of depth perception made him ineligible for. Me? I've always lamented the fact that my childhood dream to be a jet pilot crashed and burned when I learned of the vision requirements.

Target? What target?

Morning Two

I had a restless sleep, full of dreams I can't recall in the light of morning. The restlessness seems to be neutral, neither good or bad, so it is likely a response to taking first steps on a new but long thought about path.

A friend sent me this last night (I share this with his permission):

"You are woman!

I’m speechless… awed… I know what a big step this is..

I would like to be there for you.. In any way that would be appropriate.. If you want to be held, listened to, if you want to go for a walk and not talk about it at all…

If money becomes an issue I will be your angel..

You go with much love and support from here!"

and this morning:

"I would be honored to support you. You can use me to drive you and pick you up….

I can only imagine what it must be like to change something so fundamental to your appearance and to your psychological history. I know your courage and I especially know your heart. It is your heart that has always moved me to be your friend."

I am in awe myself. I was berating myself for not expressing enough emotion in the first post. And quite sure that few would understand why this is an emotional issue, how deep the emotion goes, or that it is even deeply emotional at all.

I'll call this friend J. J wasn't the only one who emailed or called last night (more sharing in the next post), and even though I stated that part of my purpose in starting this blog was to generate support, I was startled at how easily tears came when I read these emails, and the need for the love of friends and family that those tears were clearly indicating.

So thank you J. And everyone else who emailed, phoned in, or simply just held me in their thoughts.

Watch Eye Surgery Live

My NetVibes turned this up tonight, a link to a live webcast of a Horizontal Tenotomy scheduled for March 28th at 12:30 p.m.. While it's not eye muscle surgery, I imagine it would be very informative about eye surgery in general.

Imagine! These surgeons must have some real chutzpah to perform surgery for a live web audience. I've always thought anyone who chooses to be a surgeon must have an unusual amount of equal parts ego and guts. The thought of holding someone else's life in my hands makes me shiver. Being a mother is as close to that as I ever want to get.

Evening One

Already the emails and phone calls are coming in. People can be really truly wonderful sometimes.

Day One

I've been living with a "lazy eye" since childhood. The technical term is amblyopia. 20 years ago, an opthamologist recommended to my mother and I that I get corrective surgery. At that time there were significant risks involved, including possible blindness. My mother said, "no way", and I've been sufficiently scared of the surgery ever since. The surgery would have been primarily cosmetic since I had lost vision in the bad eye due to it not being corrected while my vision was developing.

The surgery would still be largely cosmetic, but I do retain some peripheral vision, and there is discomfort that I try to accomodate by tilting my head to one side, then leading to a stiff neck and sometimes headaches.

If you followed my previous blog, you may remember one solitary post about this topic, where I expressed fear and ambivalence about the surgery. That continues to stick with me like a bur on a fuzzy sweater, but today I opened my mouth, asked for a referral, and I now sit here with a surgeon's name on a little white card who I plan to call tomorrow.

This blog will document the process and I intend for it to serve multiple purposes. First, to generate moral and emotional support among family, friends, and yes, even strangers. Second, to keep me on track in moving forward with the process. Third, to educate others about the condition, how it affects those afflicted both physically, and psychosocially. Fourth, to offer guidance and support to others out there who might find their way here. And finally, to fulfill my personal need to write, and the growing urgency to write about even those things that have up until now been impossible for me to write about, even in my own personal journal.

Blessings!