Spoke to an old friend briefly by email. He asked, "are you really going to do it?". He meant the surgery.
Well, of course I am! I wouldn't have sent out that bulk email. Wouldn't have responded to emails from others who've had surgery, chickened out of surgery, or are still trying to visit the Wizard for a bag of courage. I wouldn't have opened myself up publicly, thrown up a picture of myself right there on the internet and invited perfect strangers into my life. Right?
Right?
Oi. Truth is, I am still really really frightened. I know myself, I know how I have to do things. I won't do anything that isn't a sure thing if I allow myself to think it through. True, I've been thinking about this for years...and consequently have always talked myself out of it, procrastinated, and reasoned it away. Precisely why I've gone "public". That's how I've done all the best things in my life, to just surge forward, all weak spots fully exposed, arms flailing to distract the natives. Usually I land on the other side safely, albeit sometimes bruised and exhausted, but in one piece and all the richer for it.
So, am I going to really go through with surgery? Well I can't back out now, can I?
Well, of course I am! I wouldn't have sent out that bulk email. Wouldn't have responded to emails from others who've had surgery, chickened out of surgery, or are still trying to visit the Wizard for a bag of courage. I wouldn't have opened myself up publicly, thrown up a picture of myself right there on the internet and invited perfect strangers into my life. Right?
Right?
Oi. Truth is, I am still really really frightened. I know myself, I know how I have to do things. I won't do anything that isn't a sure thing if I allow myself to think it through. True, I've been thinking about this for years...and consequently have always talked myself out of it, procrastinated, and reasoned it away. Precisely why I've gone "public". That's how I've done all the best things in my life, to just surge forward, all weak spots fully exposed, arms flailing to distract the natives. Usually I land on the other side safely, albeit sometimes bruised and exhausted, but in one piece and all the richer for it.
So, am I going to really go through with surgery? Well I can't back out now, can I?
2 comments:
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for the email response. Based on your urging, I decided to write you here. This is my first blog response, so bear with me!
I think I really decided not to have the surgery because my surgeon made me uncomfortable. i couldn't really get a 'straight' answer out of the guy. He is supposed to be the best surgeon in Denver, but he made me feel like I should just go along with what he said because he was the doctor. He didn't explain much to me at all. Further, he wanted me to have surgery on both of my eyes and I am not sure I am willing to take that risk.
So, in all my drama, I didn't make the decision against surgery until the last minute. I was lying in the operating room with the IV and all and got off the table before they anesthetized me!
I didn't really have problems with my strabismus until my early twenties. It definitely took me a few years to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't ignore the problem any longer.
I have been wearing prism glasses for a couple of years and so far they have worked out ok. Unlike you, I have decent vision in my 'bad' eye and am tormented by double vision.
Anyway, enough about me.
I am inspired by what you are doing here and I wish the best of luck.
Godspeed,
Natasha
Natasha,
Thanks for writing. Surely he isn't the only eye surgeon in Denver? There must be at least a handful of decent ones. I know you expressed he was supposed to be one of the best, but if he didn't make you comfortable, then...
I've no idea if they will recommend surgery on both my eyes, though I can't possibly see why, and I admit that would make me hesitate, particularly because I only have vision in one. My god, what if they blinded me in a slip of the scalpel?
I encourage you to investigate a second, third and even fourth opinion. Find someone you like! A surgeon who listens to you and understand the fear.
They're out there. They have to be.
Blessings.
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